Educational Inquisition
by txteva
Summary: A parody of Monty Python’s Spanish Inquisition, plot bunny from OotP. My first fic, please read.


Title: Educational Inquisition  
  
Author name: txt_eva  
  
Author email: txt_eva@hotmail.com  
  
Category: Comedy (Riddikulus.org)  
  
Keywords: Malfoy Educational Inquisition Monty Python Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: Minor OotP, but you need to have read it to understand, so not really a spoiler, and no, it doesn't mention who dies!  
  
Summary: A parody of Monty Python's Spanish Inquisition, plot bunny from OotP.  
  
DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I also don't own Monty Python or any of their sketches! Please don't sue!  
  
Educational Inquisition  
  
Potter: Trouble in mall.  
  
Granger: Oh no - what kind of trouble?  
  
Potter: Uh ins-ed und orge ave et off irwoks ins der al.  
  
Granger: Pardon?  
  
Potter: The tins-fed und gorge ave et off firwoks ins der mell.  
  
Granger: I don't understand what you're saying.  
  
Potter: [slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent] The twins- Fred and George have set off fireworks in the mall.  
  
Granger: Well what on earth does that mean?  
  
Potter: *I* don't know - Mr Weasley just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble in the mall, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Educational Inquisition.  
  
[JARRING CHORD]  
  
[The door flies open and Cardinal Malfoy of Spain enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Crabbe and Cardinal Goyle.  
  
Malfoy:  
  
NOBODY expects the Educational Inquisition! Our chief weapon is house points... house points and hexes... hexes and house points.... Our two weapons are hexes and house points...and Educational Decrees.... Our *three* weapons are hexes, house points, and Educational Decrees...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Professor Umbridge.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as hexes, house points.... I'll come in again. .  
  
[The Inquisition exits]  
  
Potter: I didn't expect a kind of Educational Inquisition.  
  
[JARRING CHORD]  
  
[The cardinals burst in]  
  
Malfoy: NOBODY expects the Educational Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: hexes, house points, Educational Decrees, an almost fanatical devotion to the Professor Umbridge, and a girl called Pansy - Oh damn!  
  
[To Cardinal Crabbe] I can't say it - you'll have to say it.  
  
Crabbe: What?  
  
Malfoy: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'  
  
Crabbe: [rather horrified]: I couldn't do that...  
  
[Malfoy bundles the cardinals outside again]  
  
Potter: I didn't expect a kind of Educational Inquisition.  
  
[JARRING CHORD]  
  
[The cardinals enter]  
  
Crabbe: Er.... Nobody...um....  
  
Malfoy : Expects...  
  
Crabbe: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Educational...um...  
  
Malfoy : Inquisition.  
  
Crabbe: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Educational Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -  
  
Malfoy : Our chief weapons are...  
  
Crabbe: Our chief weapons are...um...er...  
  
Malfoy : House points...  
  
Crabbe: House points and --  
  
Malfoy : Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief weapons are House points...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.  
  
Goyle: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--'  
  
Crabbe: That's enough.  
  
[To Granger] Now, how do you plead?  
  
Granger: We're innocent.  
  
Malfoy : Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!  
  
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]  
  
Crabbe: We'll soon change your mind about that!  
  
[DIABOLICAL ACTING]  
  
Malfoy : hexes, house points, and Educational De.de.decrees -- [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!  
  
[Crabbe produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Malfoy looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger]  
  
Malfoy : You....Right! Tie her down.  
  
[Goyle and Crabbe make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack]  
  
Malfoy :Right! How do you plead?  
  
Granger: Innocent.  
  
Malfoy : Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack [oh dear] give the rack a turn.  
  
[Crabbe stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders]  
  
Crabbe: I....  
  
Malfoy : [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.  
  
Crabbe: I...  
  
Malfoy : It makes it all seem so stupid.  
  
Crabbe: Shall I...?  
  
Malfoy : No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!  
  
[Crabbe turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack]  
  
Malfoy: What about if I turn you all into toads? 


End file.
